


Not a Hero

by Burgie



Series: DizzyxSyntax AU [1]
Category: Star Stable Online
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-20 21:15:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11929419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burgie/pseuds/Burgie
Summary: After Herman is captures, Syntax tries to help Izabella overcome her guilt. Izabella belongs to dizzy-izzy-sso on tumblr. Inspired by Hate Me by Eurielle.





	Not a Hero

**Author's Note:**

> Edited to reflect Syntax's correct they/them pronouns, let me know if I missed any.

Syntax found Izabella sitting by one of the crystal clear streams that ran through Crescent Moon Village on their way to the Mirror Marshes. She had her shoes off and her feet in the water while her beautiful white Morgan mare grazed beside her. Syntax didn't normally leave their house, there was always something to do for CHILL, after all, but they;d been worried about Izabella ever since they'd met her in the midst of a crisis.

She'd seen Herman be taken and put in hell on Jorvik just yesterday, after all. Syntax had never been close enough to Old Hillcrest to know if the rumours were true, nor did they wish to go there and hear the screams themselves. Just the thought of it was enough to make them shudder, and they believed what people said about that place. The poor people trapped inside (though they couldn't find it in them to care about the trapped GED workers), and now Herman was in there too.

Izabella let out a sigh, pulling Syntax back to the present.

"H-hey," said Syntax, cringing as they stammered. Izabella didn't lift her head, so Syntax cleared their throat and tried again, making their voice a more normal volume now. "Hey."

Now, Izabella turned and looked at him, and Syntax felt their heart sink as they saw her red-rimmed eyes and tearstained cheeks. She wiped away the tears now with her sleeve, and sniffed.

"Hey," said Izabella, her voice sounding a little foggy. 

"What are, uh... what are you doing here?" asked Syntax.

"Oh, just sitting, enjoying the day, thinking about my past failures," said Izabella, looking back out at the water.

"Failures? What are you talking about?" asked Syntax, sitting down beside her on the bank of the river. They didn't want to dip their feet in the water, not wanting to get their feet wet and then walk home either barefoot or with wet socks.

"I told you what happened yesterday, didn't I?" said Izabella, looking at them again. "Herman got taken away because I wasn't strong enough to use the bolt cutters to cut open the padlock and free him. Just like I wasn't fast enough to stop Justin from getting on that boat, or strong enough to fight off Carl and go after Anwir, or... or..." She squeezed her eyes shut against the tears, shuddering. "And now the Harvest Counties is doomed and Herman's stuck in that awful place, and it's all my fault!"

"You don't have to save the day all the time," said Syntax, laying a gentle hand on her shoulder. Izabella shrugged it off and got to her feet, pulling her socks and shoes on before jumping into her Morgan's saddle.

"No, I can't save the day even when it's up to me," Izabella snapped, and rode off through the marshes at a gallop, splashing water onto Syntax. They dried the water speckles off of their glasses, then sighed and went up to New Hillcrest. 

Izabella stopped riding in Stormgarden, dismounting to sit under one of the trees stuck in eternal fall. It was silent. Of course Syntax hadn't followed her, her horse was too fast. And why should they care about someone like her? They probably thought that she was too good for them, which she quite obviously wasn't. Or maybe they could see how much of a failure she was, and had given up on her. Or her bad attitude had turned them off of her for good. Maybe that was for the best. If Syntax did decide to date her, she'd only end up disappointing them.

It was a while before Izabella decided to show her face in New Hillcrest again. Surely, they'd all hate her for what she'd done. For what she'd failed to do. And sure, they might not know the full story, but surely word would have gotten around that she'd failed to save Herman from his dire prison.

"Izabella?" No. How could they be here, hadn't she pushed them away and hurt them? Izabella turned to ride away, putting her foot in the stirrups, but then a hand on her shoulder unbalanced her and she fell, twisting her ankle.

"Ow!" she cried, and glared at the nerd she'd fallen so hard for. "Go away, Syntax, I don't want to talk to you!" She tried to stomp her foot in anger, but cried out in pain instead and stumbled.

"Look, you've hurt your foot, come inside and I'll put ice on it," said Syntax. "I, uh, learned online how to treat sprains and twisted ankles. Hopefully it's just twisted, though." They pushed their glasses up, and Izabella wished that she wasn't just desperate enough to accept his help.

"Fine," said Izabella, spitting the word out. "But don't think it means anything, nerd." Seeing the look of hurt on their face hurt her, and she wished that it didn't. This would be so much easier for her, for both of them, if she hadn't fallen for them. Literally, now.

Syntax led Izabella into their house, letting her lean on their shoulder as she hobbled, and then left her in the living room while they went to the kitchen to fetch an ice pack for her ankle.

Izabella took her shoe and sock off, knowing that it would be best for her foot to do that, and rubbed her sore ankle. She bit her lip at the pain. Stupid. She couldn't even push a weedy little nerd away properly. 

"Here," said Syntax as they came back into the living room holding an ice pack wrapped in a tea towel. They held it against her ankle, and Izabella hissed at how cold it was. "Sorry."

The silence was very much awkward. Syntax was too shy to speak, and Izabella was too busy hating herself and trying to push Syntax away. If they didn't like her, then she could move on from them. She could deal with a broken heart. But she couldn't deal with resisting this if it was so possible.

"You should hate me," said Izabella, tears sliding down to hang off her chin.

"What? Why?" asked Syntax, looking up at her.

"For losing the best lead you had," said Izabella. "For pushing you away. For calling you a nerd."

"Well, I don't," said Syntax. "I could never hate you. And I know you're not normally like this."

"How?" asked Izabella with a sniff.

"Well, I've seen you with your friends, and someone as awful as you pretend to be wouldn't have friends," said Syntax. Izabella sniffed again.

"I don't deserve them," said Izabella. "And I don't deserve you, either. You shouldn't like me."

"Why?" asked Syntax. "Because you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen? Because you failed Herman? Because nerds and pretty girls shouldn't be together?"

"Yes!" said Izabella. "Because I haven't been able to do anything right, I'm the reason so many people are trapped right now, because I don't deserve to like someone and have them like me back!"

"Well, if you don't deserve it, then I don't deserve it, either," said Syntax. Izabella was surprised, but she hardened her heart.

"Good," said Izabella.

There was silence again for another few moments. Izabella both loved and hated that silence. Loved it because she'd shut them up. Hated it because it gave her time alone with her thoughts, the thoughts that constantly swirled around and reminded her that she was not worth loving, that she should be punished for failing Herman, the man who'd trusted her and who had everyone counting on him, that this was her punishment.

"Help me understand how you feel right now," said Syntax.

"Like I've single-handedly doomed the Harvest Counties," said Izabella. "Like it should be me in there, not Herman, like I deserve to just be thrown in there and forgotten about, left to rot, like everyone would be better off if I wasn't here. And before you jump to conclusions, no, I don't want to die. I just... I want to be punished somehow for failing to save Herman. I feel like everyone should be giving me nasty looks. Throwing stuff at me. Cursing my name."

"Okay," said Syntax. They braced themselves. If this was what she wanted, then...

"Don't hold back," said Izabella, closing her eyes. Syntax took a deep breath.

"You're an awful person. You have single-handedly doomed the Harvest Counties. You're the reason that Herman is in there, drowning in the screams of the doomed, lending his voice to their choir. If it weren't for you, Herman could have helped us defeat them by now. We don't need you, we're only using you because Herman couldn't be there." Izabella sobbed, but she found herself glaring at Syntax.

"Oh yeah? And what are you doing, huh? Hiding behind your computer screens, trying to hack into their emails, screwing up their computers. You're not doing anything, you're not in the thick of it, you weren't there to help me. Nobody was! I had to do it all by myself while Jupiter distracted the guards, and then he left me all alone with the other guards, and nobody came to my rescue then! I don't know how my horse got into that compound but she did, and she saved my life because nobody else was going to! How can you expect me to want to be with you, when you didn't save my life, you'd sooner pee yourself in terror than dare venture into that compound," Izabella screamed at them, and her heart broke when Syntax stepped back.

"Good," said Syntax, choking the word out. "Get it out. Tell me how you really feel."

Izabella's voice was hoarse, and she felt like her whole body was hot with anger. All of it except for her ankle, which was blessedly numb.

"And now you decide to help me? Not when I was almost trapped, not when I was struggling to free Herman, not when the fate of the Harvest Counties depends on it, but now, when I might have shown interest in you, now you decide to help me. Typical. You weren't there when I was crying in my room that night, when I was fighting the nightmares to sleep, when the guilt was eating me alive. No one was! Only my horse. She's always been there for me, she's all I need. But I don't deserve her, either. She's always saved me, but I've never saved her."

"And horses aren't very good conversationalists," said Syntax.

"You're probably allergic to them, you nerd," said Izabella, but there was no venom in her voice now. It was gone. Yelling at Syntax, insulting him like that, it had bled the venom out of her.

"No I'm not, actually," said Syntax. Izabella snorted.

"There's a surprise," said Izabella.

There was silence again, while they both calmed down. Now, Izabella just felt cold.

"I know you want me to hate you, but I don't," said Syntax. "I can't possibly hate you, Izabella."

"Well, you should," said Izabella. "It's what I deserve."

"No," said Syntax. "You don't deserve hate. Ms Drake does. Mr Kembell does. Ivan Drake does, after he broke my glasses so many times. But not you. You deserve love. And I want to give it to you."

Izabella wanted to resist. She wanted Syntax to hate her, she deserved that, she deserved everything they'd said. But they refused to give her what she wanted.

"I hate you," said Izabella, tears still wetting her eyelashes.

"No you don't," said Syntax. They wrapped their arms around her, and Izabella let them. It was so easy to give in, even though a large part of her still insisted that she didn't deserve this. Herman was trapped in hell, why should she get to be in the embrace of the person she really liked?

But she couldn't push him away. So what if she couldn't save them if their life depended on it? She'd already accepted that she couldn't save anyone.

"I could be the death of you," said Izabella. "If Ms Drake does capture you, I won't be able to save you. Because I'm so pathetic."

"Hey, I couldn't save you either, so we're even," said Syntax. "We can be losers together." Izabella couldn't bring herself to smile. But she did press her face into Syntax's chest, and enjoy their embrace. Just for now.


End file.
